Hajj Experience 2024

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. 

I write my reflections on completion of my Hajj pilgrimage this year with gratitude in my heart. Hajj has many purposes, teachings and endless benefits for Muslims. All of which are accessible in books and online, and so will be spared in this piece of my writing, for I wish to reflect on one thought, one emotion – fear.

“We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure-” – 2:155 (Quran).

Throughout my Hajj journey with my family I felt drawn from feelings of doubt, fear and anger to feelings of gratitude, harmony and trust, continuously moving back and forth in between the former undesirable feelings to the latter comforting feelings. I found myself turning to Allah, calling on his names in times of discomfort to calm myself.

We arrived in Saudi Arabia over a week before Hajj commenced, and due to miscommunication from our hosting party we found ourselves in fear of not being able to perform Hajj this year. While we were in doubt we still took action and chose to plan our stay day by day, hoping things will be resolved by the time the Hajj rituals are to begin. We stayed for a night in Jeddah before we then moved to Madinah. We were a walking distance from Masjid Al Nabawi (Mosque of the Prophet Mohammad PBUH). We made multiple daily visits to the mosque for the prayers, did some shopping, and spent rather beautiful quality moments as a family, even though at the time they were clouded with feelings of doubt, frustration, anger, irritation, all stemming in my opinion from the grand feeling of fear. Fear of not performing Hajj, of disappointing my aunts who were to perform Hajj for the first time, of not being granted the opportunity to witness the Ka’aba, or the chance to repent. We collectively felt neglected. Our self-worth was shaken. We were invited to perform Hajj, as a family, where is the welcome we were expecting? Needless to say we each had our own personal experience, and some of us were calmer and had more faith than the rest of us. I am grateful for my siblings for constantly reminding me that things always workout in the end.

After 3 days in Madinah my father finally receives a phone call with confirmation of our registration in one of the local campaigns. (As a Hajj pilgrim you register prior to your visit with a campaign/company and you are a part of that group throughout your journey. They provide your accommodations, transport, meals etc. Think of it as booking a retreat.) We were invited to stay in a hotel in Jeddah for a few days before heading to Makkah where the rituals would finally begin. I feel compelled to mention that sadly a lot of people get scammed when booking with a company, so make sure you book with a trusted one.

We had the chance to perform Umrah before Hajj. Although I’ve been to Umrah multiple times before, I still cried at the first glance of the Ka’aba. We made it. Oh how calm and peaceful life would be if we truly always expected the best from Allah.

We returned to Jeddah to rest for a couple of days before beginning our Hajj journey.

Upon arrival at the main campsite in Mina, Makkah I finally felt a sense of security. We were warmly welcomed by several women in the women’s side of the camp – our hosts, teachers, leaders and helpers. I walked into our assigned bedroom, shared with the women of my family along with about a dozen others, and looked for the bed that was labeled with my name. I found a bag on my bed that had everything and anything I might need on the trip – a duvet cover, a pillow, a toiletry kit, an off-shoulder bag, another drawstring bag, a small copy of the Quran, a book of Dua’a (supplications), and a fan. We were even given a small pouch that had small stones for the Stoning of the Devil ritual or Rami Al Jamarat. I found myself in tears. Suddenly Fear subsided, and I was overcome with both feelings of guilt for not trusting Allah earlier, and feelings of utter joy. How I wished I had more faith in Allah, as he has blessed me countless times before after enduring difficulty.

“For indeed, with hardship will be ease. Indeed, with hardship will be ease.” – 94:5,6 (Quran).

In Makkah you immediately feel closer to Allah. You feel blessed on the sacred grounds. But you will be tested. Your weaknesses and strengths are displayed for you. It is not an escape from your day to day life, rather a reflection of it. Walking through these holy paths witnessing millions of Muslims Glorifying the rituals of Allah, inspires you to be better. Allows you a moment to think – “how can I respond better to this stimulus, and not just compulsively react as I normally would?”.

In both your life and in Hajj you may choose to spend your spare time in prayer, supplication and you may choose to sleep. You will be given opportunities to be kind, and you will be given opportunities to control your anger and irritation. You will be given multiple chances to help someone close to you.

Our constant moving from one place to another in Hajj reminds us that there is no true stability in this life. Just as life takes us from one place to the next, from one state to another, so does Hajj. Even your faith and self are evolving. 

We begin Hajj in Mina, at the main campsite. We spent most hours of the day in the ritual of Duaa (supplication). And we were pampered and fed well while doing so. The next day we among 2 million others head to another camp around mount Arafat. Another day spent in Duaa. These were my favorite days because everything else that followed was physically and mentally challenging. After the sun set in Arafat we head to Muzdalifah, and we rest there in yet another camp site. Before dawn we hike back to Mina, making one last stop at the Jamarat site for stoning the devil ritual. We then stay in Mina for 3 days, each day heading out to Jamarat again for repetition of the stoning ritual, and finding our way back to our Mina camp on foot. 

The Hajj pilgrimage was challenging to all levels of my being. Even spiritually. 

There were moments when I collapsed physically and couldn’t continue walking. Moments I had so much anger for people pushing through in between the crowds, shoving me aside so they could keep up with their family/group. There were brief instances in space and time where I had doubts. About all of it. How can these Muslims feel peace circling the Black Stone amidst their own chaos? Why is everyone in a rush? Why are there people throwing stones at the designated walls from afar – what if they accidentally hurt someone (a common injury in Hajj is to receive a stone hit to your head!) Would it be possible, perhaps, to walk slower, gentler? I find myself understanding why the rush. Why the not-so-likable behavior displayed by some of these pilgrims. And this understanding did not come easily or in the moment, it came days after returning back home to Abu Dhabi. They are afraid. To lose a family member in between the crowds. To be pushed down and stumbled on. To not complete the ritual in time to make it back to the bus which would be their only transport back to their camp. The pressure of not performing the ritual perfectly and adequately enough for it to be accepted. Maybe afraid of death itself.

The crowds, the heat, the long walks and the physical challenges of Hajj are all factors that are bound to cause conflict between the pilgrims, bound to give rise to irritation and even anger. This is the test. To contain the boiling up of emotions with remembrance of Allah, in all his names. You’ll come across pilgrims reciting “Allah Akbar” (Allah is the Greatest). If you’re lucky enough to realize it is in these moments that you are being tested, and called by Allah to respond, and to remember his name and his wisdom, this is where you are truly performing Hajj.

Allah has given us all the tools to withstand his tests, and contain our composure in the most difficult of times. Dhikr (Remembrance, by calling upon his names and repeating them as if repeating a mantra or affirmation which is a kind of worship), Duaa (Supplication, another form of worship), Kindness and helping others if I am to name a few. Now imagine coming back home and walking through life with the same attitude you’ve walked through Hajj. May Allah guide us always unto the straight path.

“The Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful” – 1:3 (Quran). Allah is Merciful.

In the Farewell Tawaf my hands were reaching up as I quietly repeated a Duaa. As I was walking I heard an echo of my Duaa and it was another woman beside me repeating the same one. At some point we were calling unto Allah in unison. Each one of those Muslims was chosen to perform the pilgrimage this year. A simple kind act, or a plea for remorse or a good deed brought them here. The same humans that triggered my anger are a part of the collective that allowed me to feel the unity. Allowed me to feel connected.
Our final ritual was the Sa’i between two hills (Safaa and Marwa). I was on the verge of giving up. What helped me continue walking was seeing my sisters and aunts struggling to continue. I wanted to stay strong and motivate them to keep going. We split in twos. My sister and I recalled the story of Hajar, who walked 7 times between the two hills in search of water to drink, to bring about her milk for her breast-feeding child. How did she feel at the time? Alone in the desert? Where the source of Zamzam stands now, a well of water was unearthed for Hajar. We were reminded by the fruit you yield after hard work. My sister and I held hands, embodied Hajar’s strength, patience and faith, and finished the ritual.

Fear is innate in all of us. Our bodies and minds are engineered to protect us and fear the unknown. And yet, my wish, and plea is to use this fear wisely. To walk this earth gracefully and carefully, yes, but not fearfully. May Allah replace my fears and yours with safety, security. May we choose understanding and kindness over fear and hatred. May Allah replace my sorrows and yours with joy and relief.